2.23.2011

Open confession is good for the soul...Chapter 1.. Soul Fatigue but still here

First of all.. I missed you all (sniff sniff)!!!!! The Lord or the universe (whatever you perceive it to be) has a very strange way of revealing things to us. I am not sure how YOUR light bulb moments are manifested, but mine are through dreams and other new strange things that I am not quite ready to share. Through my little journey of self awareness, I am realizing that God truly has a sick sense of humor when he shakes some sense into me. I have been MIA for a few days because the kids have been ill... the kids meaning Trevor, Dylan and Brandon... Mr. Logan is a piece of metal.. this kid has been entertaining us throughout this hacking and coughing constantly..
               So about my light bulb moment. When I found out that I was pregnant with Logan? The fear was crippling as I didn't think that I could handle having another child in the midst of struggling with my first two and their ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)..I had him and it was blissful.. I read to him every minute of the day when the boys were at school? I pulled out all the toys that the boys never paid attention to, I constantly took photos of him and videos until he was was one. I was so scared that there were nights that I layed awake just staring at him, looking to see whether the  "silent thief"  would come and snatch him. I wonder how it happens? Is it something that is visible to the naked eye...you know... When your child becomes autistic. When everything that they once knew, learned and had just vanished.. poof. However, so far Logan has been spared. From the day he turned one, I have been stiff. Somewhat protective of his little soul. Meanwhile mine is sooo drained.. He is now dancing, singing, saying "ears", "eyes", "mouth"...sings Patti La Belle's version of the "ABC's" on sesame street.. Dances to every beat and rythm he hears whether it be at Publix or at home.. His newest phrases are "WOWWWWWWW!!!!!!! WHAT's THISSSSSSSSS".. (so funny) and loves all things Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear..
          So why am I still so unsettled? For years normal in our home has been stimming, screaming, squealing, cleaning feces, fear of the unknown and paranoia. We have been living this secret life within this almost secret society within the not so secret country in a not so secret world. Now here comes this little "thing" and I call him "thing" because his normalcy is  NOT normal in our little world.. he is like a foreign object that has been here from conception. It's almost frightening. When I look at him interract with the boys and they shy away, I strangely understand what they are feeling because all they know is their weird Mommy and Daddy and each other who know their bounderies. Logan comes along and isn't having any of this introvert crap.. he gets into their faces, yells at them literally hits the sence into them...He tries to spin his older brother in the rotating chair and tickles him.. he holds his Brandon and takes his toys away while he cries and won't retaliate.. it is truly amazing to see. This is hard.. It is all so much to take in. I am scrambling trying to juggle their three little worlds and I am scared that I can not deliver the same to all equally.. I know, I know.. don't be hard on yourself Lisa, take it one day at a time Lisa.. but just like most families plan for their children's future by saving for college, or getting term life insurance I don't know what else to do. So my lightbulb moment, now that I have figured out why I am so unsettled is it is time to start from the very beginning and all the overindulgence that occured when Dylan was a baby will not occur whith Logan. I am given a third chance and I now have an opportunity to reflect on all that I have done in the past with the other two, pick what has worked and what hasn't and reinvent our family.. Lisa you are given a third chance. Enjoy it and stop questioning it!!!

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