Open Confession is Good for the Soul.... Chapter 1 (Guilt)

Hi all,
Foremost, this computer is driving me crazy because of the missing keys. My brain is going quicker than my fingers could type. I think I will call it my "Compu-Pad" as the space bar is as smooth as the Ipad with a tiny sensor, The "B" key a little bump, and everything else is normal but I am avoiding my main purpose for this post.....
I began this blog the first day of this year after deleting every single person from my facebook page.. I had over 700 people on there, many I had known from childhood, some I became friends with as an adult and many I became acquainted with on the social networking site. I "relied" on Facebook to do all the things that I couldn't do in my real world.... Going out to dinner/drinks with girlfriends, going on a weekend getaway, venting about my day with a friend who came over. I was very open and honest about my life's struggles with my 2 autistic children, my insecurities, my fears, my kids, jokes, my kids, news, shows on tv, my kids, exalt people's accomplishments, my kids, enjoying the photos of everyone enjoying their life, my kids...my kids...my kids..my kids...Yes, it was mostly if not always my kids, until the hurricane struck St. Lucia, and I finally went into full on "cleansing and purging mode" gathering items for the hurricane victims. It is amazing what you find and the emotions evoked when you clean/purge...I was all over the place and many things too.
Things were found, things were stolen, things got lost...THINGS GOT LOST and SO DID I.. (so I thought)
One week in particular in December, my bag had gotten stolen from my car with important documents in it. My husband was away for the week on business, the kids were on "High Level Autism Shit Alert" and I was done. It was then that I realized that not putting myself on "My To List" couldn't  be an option anymore so I chose to start fresh in the new year. I wanted to create a way to be expressive of the things that I love (besides my family), but most importantly, I needed to find my way back to Lisa...I needed to finally "allow" myself to "receive" God's mercies in the form of true and meaningful friendships, deeds, compliments but moreso acceptance and not feel guilty. For that reason, the last two days of the year, I asked everyone who wanted to continue a friendship with me in the new year to send me a request..I was done giving...I had to force myself to RECEIVE for a change and in that case, receive the gift of a request rather than I sending the request along with sharing my soul, my heart, my all. This was the BEST Christmas gift I could have ever given myself because for the first time in many many years, I was surrendering......

 For 10 years I have been stuck in this foreign world called autism which sucks you in even when you are screaming to get out... It becomes such a dominant aspect of your life because as sad and frightening as it is because of the constant shocking twist, it's almost like a drug that boosts your adrenaline as you know there will be a change in course but you don't know when or in what form...As much as many kids with autism can't function without consistency, that doesn't apply for the caregiver..The rules simply do not apply... You have to be ready at all times.
Anyhow, I don't want this post to become about autism, it's about me. Which leads me to this.. Since I started blogging, I have found it so difficult to talk about my kids on here as much as I did on Facebook and it is shocking the hell out of me!!!!! I feel like I have finally found the room in the house where kids are not allowed because in my real world, they can't NOT be everywhere I am, as I constantly have to keep an eye on their every move (even in the toilet when I am taking a crap).. I have found my boudoir and I want it to be mine and only mine...I DON'T WANT TO SHARE.... but I feel guilty..(with my heart bowed down)... Is it normal or healthy to feel this way? Territorial, overprotective, selfish.. towards your kids over a bloody blog? Gees.. Where the heck is that emotion that I have never ever felt in my life coming from? My husband understands it, and actually I understand it, but I don't like the feeling...Actually I hate the feeling..interestingly I actually think I am nervous about the feeling because it  means than I am finally taking strides to be selfish towards myself and my individuality for a change that in turn will translate to a better, happier, sexier Lisa (wife and mom).. Hooray for good change even though it may evoke not so nice feelings in the process... It's like REHAB FOR THE SELFLESS....


Stacy said...

I love this post Lisa! I may not have the struggles that you do in life, but I have learned the lesson (maybe the hard way) that sometimes, you need to give some love to yourself as well, and not get lost in loving and living for everyone else. I hope that this new path continues to work out for you!

Brandylis and The Bear said...

Thank you so much STACE!! There will hopefully be "Confessions" very, very often..

Anonymous said...

I am sooooo proud of you doo doo. I'm not a parent but too many times our lives revolve around the ones we love and we forget to love and take care of ourselves. You' however have been blessed with awareness, and that will take you a long long way.

If you get the chance, read this book or you can view webcasts the author had with Oprah on her show. The book is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and the link to the webcasts is

Let me know your thoughts, I hope this helps you on your quest to self discovery.

Love you lots.